


Forty Percent Proof

by RedScribbler



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alcohol, Backstory spoilers, Being bad at emotions, Found Family, Gen, Post The 11th Hour, Pre The Suffering Game, Swearing, The 11th Hour Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-21 04:19:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11349711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedScribbler/pseuds/RedScribbler
Summary: They got into a habit of stealing from Leon.~~After Refuge.The boys drink too much and talk too little.





	Forty Percent Proof

**Author's Note:**

> my sister got me into TAZ around march and i've been obsessed ever since
> 
> as much as i would love thb to actually talk to each other about their feelings for once (particularly after the 11th hour), i just couldn't imagine a way that they would get over themselves long enough to do so
> 
> until I imagined this, and typed it out haha
> 
> please enjoy!
> 
> red-scribbler.tumblr.com

They got into a habit of stealing from Leon.

Nothing important of course, nothing magical. There were no late-night raids on the gachapon machine or any sneaky rifling through his big book of descriptions - but it was an open secret in the Bureau that he kept a well-stocked private bar and after a particular rough mission, or training session, or whenever they felt like it, the Reclaimers would help themselves to it.

It was after a particularly intense day of sparring and exercise that Taako had split off from the other two as they made their way to their shared rooms without so much as a word and reappeared half an hour later juggling three big, heavy bottles of amber liquid.

"I don't know..." Magnus mused as he inspected the labels on one of them, "I get awful mopey on whiskey."

"All I could get," Taako shrugged, "Ol' Leo had a couple of extra locks in place, I think he might be catching onto us."

Magnus frowned.

"You don't _have_ to drink," Merle told him, coming out from the kitchen with four glass tumblers.

Magnus frowned harder.

"Now don't talk silly," Taako plucked the bottle from his hands and cracked it open, curling himself up on the right side of their couch, "It's the least we deserve after today."

"Hey, yeah!" Magnus plopped down on the left, wincing as he jostled his bumps and bruises, "What the hell is with the Director lately anyway? It seems like every time we walk into the training room, she is trying to kill us that bit harder!"

"Said something about advanced techniques now that we got a bunch of relics,” Merle said, setting the glasses down on the coffee table, “Which is such horseshit.”

He had fared the worst out of the three of them today, and limped to the couch with a sprained ankle wrapped in bandages and not enough healing magic to treat it.

“You think she is just trying to spite us?” Magnus wondered.

“Maybe?” Merle sat between them and propped his ankle on the coffee table, “Or maybe it's one of those Mr. Miyagi-Yoda-the-more-crap-I-put-you-through-the-better-you'll-be kind of things?”

They considered that for a silent moment.

“Maybe she knows we're stealing,” Taako said, squinting at the whiskey bottle.

“Who cares?” Magnus moaned, “It's not like she is going to stop doing it anyway...”

“Well,” Taako leaned forward and started pouring, “Sounds like someone is already mopey.”

“Well, maybe if _someone_ hadn't stood in the way of Killian's sword that _someone_ had to defend you from, _someone_ wouldn't have a giant bruise right now,” He said, rubbing his hand on his sore torso.

“Touchy,” Taako sniffed.

“Oh enough already, let's just get drunk,” Merle said, “And pour that fourth glass, Taako.”

“Why?”

“I'll show you, just do it.”

Taako put a finger of whiskey into each glass, raising an eyebrow at Merle as he poured the fourth one. With a heavy sigh, Merle grabbed two of the glasses and stood up with a wince. He hobbled over to the alcove in the living room where he maintained his Pan shrine and put one glass on the small altar. He sipped from his own as he made his way back to the couch.

The other two stared wide-eyed as he did.

"What?"

"I've just never seen you actually make an offering to that thing before," Magnus turned to Taako, "Do you think he is sick?" 

"Maybe he got a concussion in training," Taako suggested.

"Ah, the two of you go screw yourselves," Merle grumbled as he sat back down.

They both burst into laughter.

"So, Pan likes whiskey huh?" Magnus asked once they settled down.

Merle shrugged.

"I figured I ought make some kinda gesture after all the magic I used today... but who knows?"

"You should!" Taako balked, "You're the one who worships Him!"

Merle peered at the bottle he had left on the table.

"It's oak-smoked, that's gotta count for something, right? Trees and such?"

That set them off laughing again. This time, Merle joined in.

"What are you even _supposed_ to give Him?" Magnus asked.

"Ughhhh," Merle slumped back against the cushions, "Man, I should know this.... uhhh, fresh fruits, first sheaf of the harvest, um, the best bits of whatever animals you raise... Wine, obviously, preferably red... Alcohol is actually the most common thing to give to any God. You won't find many who turn it down. So, whiskey ought to be fine..." He didn't sound sure.

"And what are the other Gods' tipples of choice?" Taako settled down into the couch.

Merle shrugged.

"I can barely remember Pan's own damn rituals, you expect me to know the others'?"

"Kord probably likes ale, right?" Magnus volunteered, "God of Battle just wants something He can get down quick and head back into the action?"

Merle made a noncommittal sound.

"And I bet Bahamut is into port or marsala and shit," Taako said, sipping his drink.

"Or super fancy brandys!" Magnus said.

"And the Raven Queen drinks black vodka! Just to be edgy about it!"

"And absinthe!"

"Hey!" Merle sat up suddenly, brows furrowed, "Now, that is enough out of the pair of you! I am not going to sit here and listen to this blasphemy!"

Taako and Magnus shared a startled look.

"You two really ought to know better!" He continued, "Obviously, the Raven Queen drinks Bloody Marys!"

They caught the grin growing on his face and started giggling again.

Forty minutes and half the bottle of whiskey later, and the three of them had run through the drink orders of most of Faerun's major pantheon and were steadily working their way through their co-workers. There was some fierce debate on what exactly Avi kept in his hip flask, how much alcohol it would take to knock out Killian, and whether or not Angus would be a goody-two shoes his whole life or if he would go completely off the rails once puberty hit. Their positions had shifted slightly and now Merle and Taako each had one end of the couch while Magnus sat on the floor between them, his back against it and his elbows resting on his bent knees. He drank quietly as Merle and Taako talked over his head.

"And how is it exactly that you know what kind of wine the Director drinks, hmm?" Taako asked.

Merle winked at him and tapped his nose.

"That's for me to know and for you to find out!"

"C'mon!"

He nudged his injured leg.

"Ow! Quit it!"

He kicked him with his good one.

"Hey! You quit it!"

"What about Lady Istus?" Magnus interrupted the squabble with a quiet question. 

He was looking towards the corner where Pan's shrine sat.

"What about her?" Merle asked.

"Probably sherry or a G and T or something?" Taako mused. 

"No, no," Magnus shook his head, "I mean, do you think we should build Her a shrine or something? ...Now that we kind of work for Her?"

"Oh."

"Hmm."

Merle swirled the liquid in his glass.

"Yeah, we can probably do that... We got those pendents She gave us, right? And I'm sure Leon has gin we can steal," He thought out loud, "It can't be as big as Pan's though or He'll get pissy with me."

Magnus nodded slowly.

"Cool."

They sat in silence for a moment. Istus reminded them of Refuge and they had all privately promised themselves to try very hard _not_ to think of Refuge, at least for a little while. The silence broke when Taako burst into laughter at the same time that he took a drink and he ended up spitting most of his mouthful back onto himself, sputtering and guffawing.

"What?"

"Hehehehehe!"

"Taako, what?"

"We- We-!" He gasped for air and Magnus turned where he sat to reach up and smack him on the back.

He coughed harshly before catching his breath and sank back into the couch, still giggling.

"The hell's your problem?" Merle prodded him with his foot again.

"It just hit me again," Taako chuckled, "We work for a Goddess! We do! Us! The biggest fucking wastes on the moon! Haha!"

His laughter was infectious and Merle had to fight back a chuckle. Magnus settled back against the couch.

"I mean technically I already did..."

"Yeah, but Pan didn't pop up in front of you to make the offer in the flesh, did He?" 

"I suppose not..."

"And we had just robbed a bank? Like, that is what we did before going to meet a Goddess! We robbed a bank!" He giggled again, "Hey, hey, do you think She is going to regret it? Hiring three of the world's worst chucklefucks?"

"Oh, without a doubt. Only a matter of time really," Merle chuckled.

Taako snatched the whiskey bottle off of the table and topped up his drink, smirking.

"Refuge was fucking weird," He said, passing the bottle to Merle.

"Refuge _was_ fucking weird," He agreed

Merle poured a finger and passed it back to Taako.

"...Refuge sucked," Magnus said, more to himself then to the other two.

He grumbled the words softly. His head was low, hanging between his bent knees. His voice was a little slurred from the alcohol and dripping with heaviness.

Taako and Merle exchanged a silent look over his head, suddenly all too aware of the elephant in the room.

Magnus had been different since Refuge. 

Quieter, dour. He didn't talk to people as much as he used to, he ate less, he threw himself even more recklessly into training. He seemed distracted in everything he did, as if his head were a million miles away. He retired to bed early and could still be heard pacing through his bedroom in the wee hours of the next morning. 

His behavior drew questions from their friends. Carey expressed her concerns after Magnus took a hit he could have easily avoided when they were sparring. Angus pestered him with recommended dietary plans when he notice how little he was eating. Even the Director stopped him at one point in the corridor to ask if he was feeling alright. Magnus has escaped from that conversation as quickly as he could, never looking her in the eye. 

Taako and Merle kept quiet, Magnus didn't say a word to either of them, and they were all grateful for it. That was how they worked, what they felt made them such a good team. Anything uncomfortable or raw was shoved deep down to fester into something unhealthy and in the meantime, the three of them could still make stupid jokes and bully people. It had been an unspoken promise between them ever since they watched a town burn to death.

With everything they had seen they could choose to either weep or laugh. Laughter had been working so far.

In the aftermath of Refuge however, that particular salve no longer seemed to soothe whatever wounds Magnus was nursing.

Or perhaps the whiskey really had just made him mopey.

It also seemed to turn Merle a complete and utter sap because he was looking down at Magnus as if he wanted to ask him what was wrong.

Taako nudged him with his foot, caught his eye and shook his head. They could ignore this like they always did, there would be a few more minutes of awkward silence and then someone would think of something stupid to say and shatter the tension. That was how they rolled. No need to get all touchy-feely about it.

Merle frowned at Taako and looked back to where Magnus was still hunched over, a dribble of drink still left in his glass. 

He leaned back against the armrest and turned his head towards him.

Taako made several slicing motions across his throat.

Magnus let out a miserable little sigh.

"What about Refuge sucked, buddy?" Merle asked.

Taako thumped his fist against the back of the couch.

Magnus shrugged.

"I dunno. ...Dying sucked."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah! We died -actually died- a bunch of times! That's... I mean that's messed up, isn't it?"

"We came back," Taako grumbled into his glass.

"And, uh," Magnus ran a hand through his hair, "We hurt a _bunch_ of people, just because we thought they wouldn't remember. That was, uh, pretty scummy right?"

"We saved their asses though in the end," Merle said, "So I think that evens out."

Magnus curled in even further on himself. 

"The chalice..." His voice sounded paper-thin, "The chalice... sucked."

Merle bit his lip. Taako turned his face away from the two of them.

When they were debriefing with the Director after returning from Refuge, all they had told her was that the Temporal Chalice had tempted them. None of them had seen any need to go into detail.

"Yeah," Merle agreed gruffly, "That cup was an asshole."

"Amen," Taako mumbled.

Magnus snorted, the closest thing he could get to a laugh.

They fell into a long silence. The ticking of the clock in the kitchen seemed to get louder with every second. 

Taako squirmed minutely where he sat. Merle swirled the whiskey in his glass. Magnus dragged his hand through his hair over and over.

"What-" Magnus coughed but his voice still sounded strained, "What did it offer you guys?"

"I'm not doing this," Taako said immediately.

Magnus peered at him over his shoulder.

"We said we would talk about it after..."

" _You_ said," He spat.

Magnus opened his mouth then shut it again. He turned away with a loud huff.

Taako glared at the back of his head.

"Offered to give me m'arm back."

They both looked to Merle, startled.

He wasn't paying attention to either of them, but staring at his soul-wood arm. He traced a finger over the knots and whorls of the plant and spoke absentmindedly.

"Said it would bring me back to Lucas' lab. I could, y'know, not grab the crystal and not have to get it chopped off. Wouldn't have to wonder how damn stupid I was for being tricked... Wonder what type of cleric doesn't even know the voice of his own God..."

They were frozen.

Merle blinked suddenly and looked at them, coming back from wherever his thoughts had brought him.

"But like I told it, I try not to regret stuff," He shrugged, "So I said no."

Magnus nodded slowly, digesting his words.

"Right... right... You- you did the right thing." 

He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than anyone and Merle raised an eyebrow at him.

"I know."

He nodded again and the three of them grew quiet again.

Magnus bit at his thumbnail. Merle took a generous gulp of his drink. Taako stewed where he sat and waited for the other shoe to drop.

Eventually, Merle leaned forward and spoke in a whisper.

"What about you, Maggie?"

Magnus cringed into himself and let out a quiet groan, like he had gotten the wind knocked out of him.

Merle merely waited. Taako resisted the impulse to kick the back of Magnus' head.

"My wife..." He croaked out eventually, his head bowed low and his eyes screwed shut, "Julia... She- She died and... The life we had- ...the chalice said I could have it all back..."

Merle winced and Taako looked away from him.

They had both noticed the wedding ring, of course. Magnus never took it off, and he fiddled with it when he was nervous, but in all the time they had known him he had never spoken of his spouse. Neither Merle or Taako had much in the way of tact but even they hadn't dared to ask him about it.

"Sickness?" Merle ventured.

Magnus shook his head.

"We made an enemy... And we beat him, he was- he was supposed to be gone..." He tried to take a drink but found his glass empty and he put down on the coffee table with an unsteady hand, "I was travelling for work... and he- he.... I only found out when I got home... almost a month later... Julia, our home, our friends, our town! He... took everything."

He forced every word out like they were burning him.

"...You know what that sounds like to me, Magnus?" Taako asked after a moment.

"What?"

"That sounds like it deserves a double."

He leaned over and filled his glass half-full. Magnus grabbed it, threw it back in one gulp and held it back out to Taako for more. 

He obliged.

"And you know what- you know what the worst part of it was?"

"...All of it?"

"Pfft, yeah, I mean, yeah but- The worst part was that I was done, y'know? No more fighting or adventuring or whatever. I was done with it all. I was settled! I was happy! For once in my fucking life, I was actually happy! And then it was all fucking stolen from me!"

He slammed his glass down on the table and spilled half of the whiskey onto his hand. His other hand gripped the rim of the table so hard it creaked. He shook in silence for a moment, white-knuckled with rage, before it all seemed to flood out of him and he crumbled in on himself, still shivering.

"...I really wanted to take the chalice, you guys," His voice was thick with tears, "I'd give up you two and the bureau and the whole fucking world..." He sighed, "But if I did, I wouldn't be... I wouldn't be that guy she loved... would I?"

Merle finished his drink.

"You did the right thing," He said sternly, as if stating a fact Magnus was pretending not to know.

Magnus nodded quickly, desperate to believe it.

Quiet cloaked them all again as he calmed himself down, rocking back and forth on his heels slightly. 

Taako refilled everyone's glasses and they sipped slowly.

Eventually Magnus relaxed, uncurling from his bent position, stretching out his legs and leaning back against the couch. There was something close to relief in his eyes.

Taako sighed and pulled off his pointy hat, tossing it onto the coffee table and running his hands through his hair.

"Refuge really _did_ suck," He concluded.

They both looked at him, Magnus curious, Merle cautious. 

"What?"

They exchanged a brief glance then continued to stare.

"What?!"

Magnus raised his eyebrows and Merle held a hand toward him and rolled his wrist.

"Fellas, we can play pantomime all night and I still won't get it," He laughed.

Merle frowned and Magnus leaned his chin against his bent knee.

"C'mon man, it's your turn," Magnus said, his voice still hoarse.

All the humour dropped from Taako's face.

"I told you I'm not doing this."

"Ahhh c'mon...." Magnus moaned.

"Yeah, c'mon," Merle urged, "Dish it out!"

"Both of you fuck off! I'm not doing this!" He screamed.

Taako sprang from the couch and put the coffee table in-between himself and the two of them. Merle and Magnus froze where they sat.

"You morons want to spill your guts and share your sob stories, that's fine! But don't drag me into it! I'm fine! I don't need- I'm fine! It doesn't even matter anymore! I said 'no', didn't I?"

"Taako, calm down!"

"Sorry, we didn't mean..."

"It doesn't matter!" He kept yelling, "It's over! It was even my _fault_!!" 

His voice broke on the last word and he clamped a hand over his mouth, turning away from them.

"It wasn't... I... It was fucking... jealousy."

The words slipped out of him and he bit his lip to stop them.

The other two said nothing and when he had collected himself enough to look back at them, they had the nerve to look sorry for him.

Taako gave them a poisonous glare.

"Alright," He sighed, "Alright, alright, let's fucking do this."

"Huh?" 

"You don't have to..."

"No, no," He waved his hands in the air, "Here's how we are going to do this. You jackasses want to bitch and moan about our shitty, shitty lives? Fine. But here is how we are going to fucking do this. We are going to finish _that_!" He pointed to the almost empty whiskey bottle that he had left on the couch, "And then we are going to make our way through _those_!" He pointed at the other two unopened bottles he had stolen, "And we are going to cry about whatever we want and drink ourselves stupid and get so _fucking_ twisted that we won't even remember our names in the morning - never mind anything else!"

He put his hands on his hips and tapped his foot impatiently.

"Deal?"

Magnus and Merle looked at each other then back to Taako.

"Deal," They said in unison.

"Great," Taako threw his hands up in the air, "Swell."

He turned on his heel and began to march into the kitchen.

"Okay, now I gotta make some popcorn or loaded nachos or something because if I drink anymore on a empty stomach, I'm going to throw up on the pair of you!"

"Will you make something sweet too?" Magnus called after him.

He stopped dead and looked back wide-eyed.

"...Fuck it! Fuck it! Sure! Why not! Why the fuck not!"

He stormed into the kitchen and they could still hear him grumbling to himself underneath the loud banging of pots and pans.

Merle slid off the couch and sat with Magnus, cracking open the second bottle of whiskey and filling their glasses. He held the rim of his towards Magnus.

"To our shitty, shitty lives?"

Magnus laughed, and for the first time in a while, he meant it.

"I'll drink to that."

They toasted. 

~~

In the morning, in the few precious moments before their collective hangover kicked in, before the Director called their Stones of Farspeech to demand to know why they were late for training, before they were bombarded by memories and fears that no amount of alcohol could wash away, the three of them dozed in a pile at the bottom of the couch.

It wasn't much. It wasn't healing or forgiveness or retribution. 

But it was warm, it was soft and it was together.

For now, it was enough.


End file.
